Talking with teenagers about Ben Roberts-Smith - a psychologist’s guide.

The temptation, when a figure like Ben Roberts-Smith dominates the headlines, is to say nothing at all. Too hard. Too political. Too risky. But if you’re a parent of a teenager, silence isn’t neutrality - it’s abdication. And into that vacuum rush TikTok hot takes, playground myths and the kind of black-and-white, evil or genius, reductive thinking that’s rotting public debate. If you don’t step in, someone else will - and they’ll do it badly.

Let's be honest, this situation has revealed a pretty uncomfortable truth about Australia. We tend to put our heroes on a pedestal and get really upset when they appear to mess up. So, people start taking sides - some will fiercely defend them no matter what, while others will be super quick to judge and condemn. And we call this a "discussion". But here's the thing, our teenagers are watching all of this go down and they're learning some pretty worrying lessons. They're seeing that the truth doesn't always matter, that being loyal is more important than being honest, and that getting angry and outraged is a pretty effective way to get attention.

Don’t let that be the takeaway.

Just because someone is very brave, it doesn't mean they can't do bad things. Being a hero one time doesn't mean you're a hero forever. This idea might make some Australians uncomfortable - and it should. Because if we don't teach our future voters that everyone can be held accountable, no matter how important they are, then we're teaching them that being powerful means you're above the law. And that's how things start to fall apart. We need to make sure our sons and daughters know that everyone is equal and everyone can make mistakes, no matter how brave or strong they are. It's time to stop pretending that heroes are perfect and use this tragic story as. a teachable moment. Parents who avoid controversial media stories are missing one of the most powerful teaching tools available. These moments - whether it’s a war, a political figure, a scandal, or a social media pile-on—are not distractions from development. They are development.

So, don't stop now, this is the part where a lot of parents tend to back down. You need to make one thing very clear: having respect for the military doesn't mean you ignore the problems. Actually, it's the opposite. If you really want to honor the people who serve, you have to expect the best from them. Anything less than that isn't being patriotic, it's just protecting your own interests. Your teenager needs to hear this from you, not from some argument on social media.

Elon Musk has commented that Ben Roberts-Smith’s prosecution “sounds insane”. Gina Rinehart has called Ben Robert-Smith a “brave and patriotic man” who is being unfairly attacked. Chris Smith has argued civilians shouldn’t judge war experiences and a petition to “free Ben Roberts-Smith” gained more than 10,000 signatures following his high-profile arrest on Tuesday.

The loudest voices in this debate are demanding allegiance: pick a side, defend it to the death, and never concede an inch. That’s not strength. That’s intellectual laziness dressed up as conviction. While everyone is entitled to an opinion, we need to teach our teenagers to be suspicious of anyone who tells them what to think without showing them how to think. The real skill - the one that will set them apart - is the ability to sit in the grey, weigh evidence, and change their mind when the facts demand it.

This is a moment to talk about power - real power, not the abstract kind. High-profile figures, media influence, institutional backing - these shape narratives long before the truth lands. So my advice is to start by asking your teenager what they think should happen when someone powerful is accused of doing the wrong thing? Should the rules bend, or should they tighten? Then listen. Don’t rescue them from the discomfort. That’s where the learning lives.

I have listened to the young people in my life and then told them that I'm unsure. I have admitted uncertainty. I don’t have all the answers, and neither do they. What I'm modelling is not weakness - it’s integrity. In a culture addicted to certainty, the ability to say “I’m still working this out” is quietly radical.

For me, this isn't just about Ben Roberts-Smith, it's about what our kids learn from us when things get tough. Do they see us being brave and facing the truth, even if it's hard? Or do they see us making excuses, denying what's happening, and only caring about what our friends think? Do they learn that it's more important to look good, or to actually be good? Do they learn to just yell and argue, or to really think about what's going on? If we teach our kids that some people are beyond question, we are not raising patriots — we are raising enablers. And no country can afford that.

Support for Roberts-Smith is real, vocal, and politically diverse - but it is not uniform. It reflects a deeper national tension - loyalty to soldiers vs accountability for alleged war crimes and that tension is exactly why the case has become one of the most divisive in modern Australian public life. Healthy societies need disagreement here. If no one is talking, that’s a bigger problem. A healthy society doesn’t resolve that tension by silencing one side. It confronts it. “Support the troops” and “hold individuals accountable” are not mutually exclusive - they are the twin pillars of a mature democracy. If we can’t hold both ideas at once, we don’t just fail the justice system - we fail the next generation watching us.